The Mary Ann Theory
by The Accidental Proverbialist
Summary: Sweet and innocent farm girl? Ok, sure. Whatever you say. I have my own theory. One-shot with a double dose of crack. Do not take this seriously, people. Relax and enjoy.


**I do not own Gilligan's Island or any of the characters contained therein, nor do I derive anything from this work but satisfaction and hopefully, reviews. **

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Speaking of movies and television...ok, so we weren't, but...never mind that...where was I?

Oh yes. I've come up with a theory. This totally brilliant theory was developed without benefit of recreational drugs (unless caffeine and sleep deprivation have been re-classified as such) and until I've secured funding to do further research, it will remain only a theory.

What spurred the development of this theory was this: I was online, visiting the forum of a favorite website one morning, not well-rested from a good night's sleep, but just having come off another night shift, thoroughly wiped out, but having consumed far too much coffee to sleep. One might think this a Bad Idea, but as I shall show you, I had freed my mind to attain genius-like thinking and my deductive skills went through the roof. I was Holmes AND Watson rolled into one, except for the pipe-smoking and the bit where I am Decidedly Non Male.

But, I digress.

Someone in said forum had posed the question: "If the professor on Gilligan's Island could make a radio out of a coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in a boat?" In my reply, I dismissed the question as pointless, since a boat repair would have cut the series short (to the delight of some and the despair of others) but I was suddenly reminded about something that had disturbed me for years, ever since I was in second grade, watching episodes of Gilligan's Island and re-enacting them with friends during recess.

Gilligan and the Skipper were the crew of the SS Minnow - it was their gig, so to speak, so you'd think they might have had at least ONE change of clothes on board, yet they wore the same exact clothes for years (and they never wore out, but that's another discussion.) Gilligan always in the same goofy red shirt, Skipper always in the blue shirt which seemed to grow along with his girth. (Which would be still another discussion.)

Contrast that with their passengers for that fateful Three Hour Tour: As I recollect, The Howells, Ginger and MaryAnn all had dozens of outfits, not too many of which could be completely constructed from what they found on the island. The professor wore only one set of clothes, but he was a bit of an absent-minded type anyway, so he may have had other clothes and forgotten to change them.

Now, I ask you - who packs 2-3 weeks of outfits to go on a 3 hour boat ride? Only someone who knows that they won't be back anytime soon! You didn't hear this from me, but...it was a conspiracy! They planned it all along - Mr. Howell knew he'd done some highly illegal, perhaps Enron-esque, financial maneuvering and the feds would be on his tail shortly. He needed to disappear, and fast!

Mrs. Howell was involved in her own scandal: she had been seen wearing the same dress to two different social functions, and could never show her face in High Society again.

Ginger, in her quest to be immortalized like her idol, Marilyn Monroe, wanted the world to think her dead, hoping to enjoy some posthumous glory, then perhaps, one day, to return to Hollywood to cash in on the fame.

But what of MaryAnn? What could sweet, innocent MaryAnn have wanted to get away from? Not a thing! She arranged the entire plan! She assembled the group - through a simple classified advertisement inserted in strategic newspapers: "Did you ever just want to get away from it all? call M.A. at " with an untraceable phone number as the contact. She weeded through the many responses and selected the victims. I neglected to include the Professor in the prior list, because he did not respond to the classified advertisement. Our Professor was selected, personally, by MaryAnn.

You see, MaryAnn bumped, literally, into the professor, in the laundry room of her apartment building. After helping him up, and talking a while, she realized he would be invaluable to have along, just in case - because of his superior intellect and analytical abilities, combined with a complete lack of comprehension regarding the subtleties of intrigue. In other words, he'd fix things that broke, make cool doodads, and not have a clue what MaryAnn was really up to. She couldn't pass him up, but how to convince him to come along? MaryAnn took time to get to know the professor, inviting him to her apartment for dinner on more than one occasion, and found out his weakness: the Professor fantasized about conducting a field study of the migratory patterns of coconut laden African swallows to the islands off the coast of California. When she told him that, coincidentally, she had been directed by her employers, who demanded they remain anonymous, to locate someone to do such a study, he was so overwhelmed that he bought it, hook, line & sinker.

The island destination had been pre-arranged by her employer, as had the mode of transport. MaryAnn brought along a small but powerful arsenal in her shoulder bag, planning to hi-jack the Minnow and kill off the crew, if necessary, once the island was reached.

As it happened, it wasn't necessary. A serendipitous storm ran the ship aground, giving MaryAnn two more subjects for her experiment. Not the MaryAnn you THOUGHT you knew, she was more than just a simple farm girl - she had a medical degree, Masters in nutrition sciences, Ph. D. in psychology...and on top of that, she was a trained assassin. She had been given the task of determining the effects on humans of a diet consisting mainly of coconuts. Would the test group be able to survive? Function well together, even thrive? Why put people through such an experiment? Who would do this evil thing?

I submit to you now, this momentous undertaking was funded by none other than the Popcorn King himself - Orville Redenbacher, in league with major players in Hollywood, and a consortium of multiplex theater owners. MaryAnn was in constant contact with the outside world, though no one else ever knew.

Yes, the Skipper and Gilligan were the hapless victims, and the Howells and Ginger were not-so-innocent, but unwitting participants - in a test to determine the effects of the repeated consumption of coconuts or coconut-derived products.

The findings: test participants became unable to solve simple problems, unable to think for themselves, and would either change clothes a lot, or not at all. These results were used in determining the composition of the "fake butter" to be used on movie theater popcorn.

It was also found to be highly addictive - an unexpected bonus for the moviemakers and theaters: the addiction could only be fed by going to movies. Lots of movies. And buying massive amounts of popcorn.

Once the story leaked out, though it was not generally accepted as anything more than paranoid conspiracy theory, many theaters have discontinued the coconut oil-based topping.

Coincidence? I think not.


End file.
